Why isn’t ‘permanent press’ permanent?

Meno asks: I use the permanent press setting on my iron, but i still have to keep ironing the same things. What am i doing wrong?

Well meno, it would appear that you need a new iron. It sounds like you have a standard iron, without a “temporal” dial. The normal irons will temporarily remove wrinkles (using heat), but cannot permanently remove wrinkles because it cannot activate the “permanent” aspect of permanent press. In order to use permanent press succesfully, you will need to find an iron with a temporal setting. This is the dial that sets the iron to activiate the “permanent” part of “permanent press”.

The temporal setting works by creating a quantum black hole. All of the wrinkles in the item that you are ironing are sucked up by the iron and tranported into it. Because black holes create major deviations in the space time continuum, once an item is ironed with the proper setting on the temporal dial (usually it is marked “permanent” or “forever”), the time warp created by the curved space time continuum will suck up any wrinkles in the item past, present and future. Hence “permanent press”.

It is important to remember that clothes that are not permanent press should not be ironed with the temoral dial set to anything except “off”. If you attempt to iron non-permanent press items using the temporal setting, they will get sucked into the quantum black hole, and you will never get them back (this may be what happens to socks in the dryer).

It may sound a bit scary to think about creating a quantum black hole every time you decide to iron your clothes, but there are a couple of things that should make you a bit more comfortable: first of all, you’ll only have to iron your permanent press items once, so you shouldn’t really need to use that setting all that often. Also, because quantum black holes are so small, brownian motion (the micro-vibrations that all sub atomic particles have) will actually evaporate the quantum black hole away – particles of the black hole vibrate out past the event horizon, and escape. So shortly after you turn off the iron, the black hole will go away. Finally, even if the black hole hangs around for some reason, once it is released from the iron, it will tend to drift towards areas of high mass – in other words the Earth. It will bury itself until it evaporates.

However, there are a few things to keep in mind when you are using the “permanent” setting on the temporal dial. Black holes do emit a lot of radiation, so make sure you have adequate protection before turning on the iron. Also, if you think that your iron is not working proerly, do not attmpt to use it or fix it. There are no user servicable parts inside. The black hole is contained in a magnetic bottle, and the forces involves are immense. If you decide to diddle around with it, and knock it out of whack, you could end up destroying a significant portion of your town. Also, please keep in mind that the electricity needed to power these irons is not inconsiderable. You will need to contact you power company before using you new iron – chances are good that a high-efficiency energy star rated iron can get away with only a couple of terrawatts of power, but even that small amount could be enough to cause problems on your grid. If you live in a rural area (or an area where the grid is stressed) you may need to buy a small fission reactor to provide the power for your iron.

4 Responses to “Why isn’t ‘permanent press’ permanent?”

  1. Weed Woman Says:

    Thanks for answering that question. You have satisfied my burning need to know concerning wrinkles in a manner that is accessible to the non-ironer.

  2. meno Says:

    Wow, you really know your stuff. I think i’ll head off to Best Buy and ask for an iron with the temporal setting. Along with a lead suit.

    It’ll be totally worth it if it works.

  3. mrschili Says:

    I’m betting that IS what happens to socks in the dryer.

    My question is this, though; I SUCK at ironing, and tend to put more wrinkles IN than I get OUT. If my iron is on the temporal setting, is there any hope of those ironed-in wrinkles ever coming out???

  4. sphyrnatude Says:

    Well, if your iron is working properly, and you’re working on permanent press, the wrinkles you ironed in will have been sucked into the black hole even before you created them, so they would never have been there to start with, and you wouldn’t suck at ironing (at least ironing perm press).

    Isn’t playing with the space time continuum fun?

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